bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
