i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
