Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
