I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
