so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
