Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
