It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
