Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We had sex on a dog bed..
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
