I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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