Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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