i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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