I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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