I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
