Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
