textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
