You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
