I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
