when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
