I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
