it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
