Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
His nipple licking is glorious
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