I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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