When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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