dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
