Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
