he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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