in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I came so hard my ears popped.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
