i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
