I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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