Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
