I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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