dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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