Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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