the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
