Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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