So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
