some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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