ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
