My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
