Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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