the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
