I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
