I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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