It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the liver wants what the liver wants
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
