Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
