Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
