Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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