Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
