I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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