We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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