I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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