NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
